I just got into an argument with ourborous
over some zen things I was asking. He said many things, many good things which I responded to, and asked more questions, both on my journal and here.
But I was getting upset. The more we talked the more this tension built in me. I got frustrated and confused and really wasn't listening.
I snapped at him in a comment, and after I did I stopped and asked myself, "WHY am I mad at him? I asked for this right?"
The truth of it is that I really wasn't mad at him at all. I'm mad at myself for not being good enough. That's nobodys fault really but I've been scrabbling so hard lately at trying to be better, and change and be different. Am I so unhappy with the way I am that I should fight so hard?
I don't honestly know. I've been too busy trying to change to take a look.
I wrote a post in my personal journal about how I needed to get off the hamster wheel of MUST CHANGE for a while and just relax and be. That is my mission at the moment. I understand that I asked for advice, but I need to train myself not to do that if I don't have the energy to properly take the advice.
So for a while, your village newbie will be here, but silent as she watches something other than all you wise people outside a while. I am going to keep reading the forum for the sake of learning, but not for the mythical magical key of Amber changing.
I don't need one. Or if I do, I don't know it for sure. I just assumed. Bad Amber.